Since being in college, I have sought answers and purpose more than ever before. Whether my quest has been a means of validating my emotions or attempting to mute the never-ending questioning of myself, I have searched endlessly for reason. I made sense of a relationship for a year and a half because my ex at the time was a Scorpio. Being the independent Gemini I am, I was convinced that it was "not in the stars" for two dominant signs to remain. I tirelessly defended the unending power struggle by printing and laminating pages of astrological answers. There were warnings of the Scorpio/Gemini relationship, displaying 4 out of 10 hearts in compatibility. It just wasn't meant to be. Despite gaining the knowledge from experience and committed mentors, I continue to pinpoint occurrences by checking my daily horoscope. If I'm feeling down or irritable, I am quick to check if Mercury is in retrograde rather than analyzing my surroundings and personal circumstances. Immediate explanations are easier to process than experiential learning. After all, why survive severe confusion and heartache to learn when you can follow the path that the universe has seemingly designed for you? You know, like, avoiding men until September because that is when your expected life-partner will appear?
I have recently connected to Judaism for the same reasons; I want answers. Questions are encouraged and there are a plethora of committed teachers who wish to guide you. Spiritual renewal can eliminate past mistakes, relationships, and offer a clean slate. Rather than relying on whatever website makes me feel good about my day, I can study guidelines offered to a people 1000s of years ago. I don't have to sacrifice my entire life to feel like I'm growing spiritually. My opinions, beliefs, and overall goals in life have changed, but it's hard to know whether or not this is a self-fulfilling prophesy. I see happiness in the Orthodox homes, filled with children, thought-provoking arguments, and delicious food. Everything makes so much sense and I realize that it is everything I want. I want to raise an ethical family, be a committed, loving partner, and believe in a higher power/lifestyle that is so great, I won't be able to question myself anymore. What starts to worry me, however, is that at the drop of a hat, I completely detach, because of boredom, confusion, unanswered questions or interest in something else.
About a week ago, I decided to audition for a professional theatre. A group of my friends were planning on auditioning, so I thought I might as well go for it. What is there to lose? In the theatre world, it's best to go out and be seen. I put the idea on the back-burner, but had a little spark of excitement as time passed. I informed my voice teacher that I was going to audition, knowing that I would get out of a lesson; this idea became more exciting than the audition itself. A week later, on the day of the audition, I arrived in full dress and makeup to my voice lesson. I had songs picked out that I ran through with my teacher, though I'd pretty much made up my mind at that point. I wasn't going to that audition. Perhaps it was nerves, or fear of getting in front of a brand new casting team. A part of me fears it was the thrill of spontaneously changing my mind, knowing that it wasn't going to affect anyone. My teacher could continue thinking I auditioned, be proud of me for trying, and we'll move on from there. My mom's heart would burst with pride as well, but when she continued asking about it, I would explain that auditions take a while to be processed. I figured I could fake my way through the details and that would be that. When my mom started to question my summer plans, this audition lie became an issue.
My mom and I spoke on the phone this evening. My white lie that had originated from trying to make her proud came crumbling down. Why? Because the universe loves finding ways of getting back at me just when I think everything is falling into place. Mom had run into a good friend of mine. Apparently, he played the CLO auditions and when she mentioned my audition, he looked perplexed. According to my mother, it was incredibly awkward and she felt like a "liar" because he didn't recall me being there. I lifted my jaw off the floor and suavely responded with the most logical reasoning, "I had someone else play for my audition." Processing my recovery, my mom continued to explain the continuous miscommunication and tension between her and Zach. "I told him you were called back, but he didn't respond. If you didn't audition, that is okay. I hope you never feel like I force you into these situations. It was just so awkward that I was fighting for the fact that you were there." Not only have I been caught in a lie, in literally the most bizarre way, but I have indirectly created a situation where my mom feels like a liar. In no way was she anticipating "catching me" or revealing my dirty secret, rather, she was excited to make a connection with someone in "the business." If something can further my success, Mom loses her mind. If she can bend over and offer her shoulders for me to climb on, she will, even if it hurts her in the process. She will love knowing that she helped me get what I want . . . or what she thinks I want.
The reoccurring pattern, however, is my desires and idea of success change daily, leaving my mom in the dust. She will never understand how quickly my wants change, nor will I. As soon as I've bitten into the most delicious apple, preparing to devour and taste all of its wonders, a vine of juicy grapes is presented to me. Instead of holding on tightly to the red apple, remembering why I took a bite in the first place, I hand it over to my mother and grab the new fruit. Mom is left confused after I'd spent the past month obsessing about apples. She had just bought bags of red apples for me, but now, all I want are those damn grapes. In a month or so, however, I will again be craving the apples.
I am in the very beginning of a long journey of self-discovery. With the guidance and encouragement of people who respect and love me, I find myself closer to what I want every day. Commitment typically requires sacrifice, but if your heart is set on that one special thing, the sacrifices become worth while. If one wants to be a mother and raise a family, she may have to give up her childhood dreams of traveling the world and being an international model. It is very possible, however, that one can achieve several goals in a lifetime. With proper planning, time-management, and knowledge, I firmly believe any person's happiness (across the board) is attainable. Approaching my 20th birthday, my goal is to continue taking opportunities that present themselves to me. If my previous interests start to fade and I find clarity in something new, I hope to trust that the universe places things in our lives for a reason. Instead of checking why certain things occur on my daily horoscope app, I'd like to allow myself to be affected, naturally react, and live that way. Though these apps provide prompt explanations, consciousness and expierences teach us far more about ourselves.
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